Soulmates Eric and Shelly are brutally murdered. Given a chance to save the love of his life, Eric must sacrifice himself and traverse the worlds of the living and the dead, seeking revenge.
Well, folks, it looks like Hollywood’s favorite undead hero is back, flapping those wings once more. This time, “The Crow” has returned in a 2024 remake starring Bill Skarsgård, FKA Twigs, and Danny Huston—because nothing says “romantic vengeance thriller” like a guy who usually haunts children’s nightmares, an ethereal music artist, and the grizzled guy who always seems to be up to no good.
Plot Summary:
Our story kicks off with soulmates Eric and Shelly, whose romance is so deep and profound, it only takes about five minutes before they’re brutally murdered. (Which might actually be a relief because their “deep connection” feels like it was written by a hormonal teenager who has just discovered the lyrics to The Cure.) The kicker here is that Eric is given a chance to save Shelly by sacrificing himself—again—and traversing the worlds of the living and the dead to seek revenge. It’s like "Ghost" meets "John Wick," but with more eyeliner and a lot more rain.
Now, let me paint the scene for you: the movie opens with not one, not two, but six or seven production company logos. I’ve seen shorter queues at the DMV. But hey, we all know a masterpiece is in the making when you can’t even keep track of who to blame.
What I Liked:
Let’s start with the positives, because this movie does have a few gems—if you squint really hard and maybe take a hit of whatever existential crisis Bill Skarsgård is clearly having. The film’s noir-ish visuals are stunning. Think of the darkest film noir with so much rain you'd think you were watching a Seattle tourism commercial in hell. The city is grim, and everything is drenched, which really helps to set the mood for this tale of revenge and resurrected love. Every frame looks like it was ripped from the diary of a goth teenager who just discovered Instagram filters.
There are a few decent action sequences near the end of the movie, which almost—almost—redeem the hours of brooding angst. If you’ve ever wanted to see Bill Skarsgård perform a rooftop ballet of revenge while wearing leather pants that are tighter than the movie’s budget, you’re in luck. But just as you start to feel a flicker of excitement, the film remembers it’s “The Crow” and slows down for another half-hour of morose poetry about life and death.
What I Disliked:
Now, let’s dive into the dumpster fire, shall we? Remember how the original “The Crow” (yes, the one with the late, great Brandon Lee) was dark, gritty, and tragic, but also—here’s a crazy idea—fun to watch? Yeah, this is not that movie. At all. The first hour feels like an extended “Twilight” deleted scene, with more brooding and less vampire baseball. It’s almost as if the movie thinks it’s the love child of Edgar Allan Poe and a CW teen drama.
And then, just when you think you’ve survived the teenage angst and are ready for the big, bloody showdown—BAM! Plot holes the size of craters. It’s like the writers were so eager to set up for a sequel (because heaven forbid we get closure) that they forgot to actually end the movie. The climax is so underwhelming, it’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet only to find out they only serve stale breadsticks. You leave the theater feeling like you’ve wasted two hours of your life that you’ll never get back, wondering if you could somehow sue Rupert Sanders for emotional distress.
Speaking of Mr. Sanders, the director, let’s not forget he’s the man who brought us “Ghost in the Shell” (controversial for all the wrong reasons) and “Snow White and the Huntsman” (aka “Kristen Stewart makes awkward eye contact with CGI dwarfs”). Combine that with the writing of Zach Baylin, who last brought us “Creed III” and “King Richard,” and you’ve got a creative team that sounds like it was assembled by drawing names out of a hat at a Hollywood cocktail party. And I have to wonder if Jason Momoa, who was originally slated to star but left due to “creative differences,” just read the first draft and said, “Yeah, I’m gonna pass. I’ve already been in enough disasters, thank you very much.”
And don’t even get me started on the ending. Remember when movies used to have satisfying conclusions? Apparently, that’s so last century. This one leaves you hanging like an awkward text message read but not replied to.
The Final Verdict:
So, where does that leave us? Somewhere in the middle of a murky swamp filled with nostalgia for a better “Crow” movie that we’ll never get back. This film is like that bad relationship you keep revisiting even though you know it’s toxic. You want to love it, you want to believe in it, but it just keeps breaking your heart.
Overall, I give it a 5 out of 10. And that’s being generous, mostly because I’m still trying to wash the taste of teenage angst out of my mouth.
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