Follows a tough, working-class, petty criminal who morphs into an anti-heroine to be reckoned with in a murky underworld, in the treacherous world of diamond smuggling.
Alright, folks, strap in for this one. I just watched "Duchess," starring Charlotte Kirk, Philip Winchester, and Colm Meaney, and let me tell you, this movie is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube while on a roller coaster—you’re pretty sure there's a point to it, but you’re mostly just confused and mildly nauseated. And yet, somehow, you can’t look away.
So, what's this flick about, you ask? Well, imagine a tough, working-class petty criminal, strutting around a murky underworld with all the grace of a hippo in stilettos, who decides she’s tired of being just another nobody in the grubby streets of… wherever the hell this story takes place. She morphs into an anti-heroine who’s supposed to be "to be reckoned with," which is a nice way of saying she's ready to throw a wrench into the diamond-smuggling game. You know, because if there’s one thing Hollywood loves, it’s reminding us that crime really doesn’t pay unless you’re very, very clever or at least mildly amusing.
Now, let's talk about the cast: we’ve got Charlotte Kirk playing our lead, and she's clearly trying her best to channel the inner angst of a woman who’s been stuck in traffic for 20 years. Then there's Philip Winchester, whose most memorable quality is his name, which sounds like a brand of antique furniture. And last but not least, the great Colm Meaney—who you might remember from literally every British TV show ever—coming in with a face that says, "I’ve been in the business too long for this crap." And somehow, you find yourself rooting for him because, really, who doesn’t love a good grumpy old man?
What I Liked:
Some familiar faces grace the screen, and by familiar, I mean you’ve probably seen them on late-night BBC reruns. It’s like a British TV reunion, but with more swearing and less tea.
The end credit music. Oh yes, that's right. Someone in production thought, “You know what this film needs? An '80s theme song." And not just any ‘80s theme song—no, they went full throttle. It’s got the kind of vibe that makes you think you’re about to watch a montage of a karate kid training in a smoky warehouse, wearing leg warmers, set against the backdrop of neon lights. Is it necessary? No. Did I love it? Also no. But hey, nostalgia's a helluva drug, right?
Now, let's give some credit where it's due. The second half of this movie picks up. It’s like a marathon runner who spent the first half of the race getting lost but somehow found a shortcut to the finish line. Once you manage to power through the first half (or, as I like to call it, cinematic purgatory), things get, dare I say, entertaining. The humor and action start gelling, and before you know it, you're laughing at things that probably shouldn't be funny, but you've already shut off your brain, so who cares? It’s like watching an episode of “Renegade” on a Saturday afternoon—you don’t know why you’re there, but you’re too lazy to change the channel.
What I Disliked:
Oh, where do I even start? Let’s talk dialogue. Some of it feels like it was ripped straight from a bad '90s softcore flick. You know, the kind of dialogue that makes you wince and reach for the remote, just in case your roommate walks in. There’s one line that goes, “Diamonds are like men—hard to find and easy to lose.” Seriously, I thought I was watching "Sex and the City."
And then there’s the story structure. Ah, the classic trope of "let’s start at the end and then tell you how we got here." It’s like the writer's way of saying, “Hey, don’t worry if the beginning makes no sense; we’ll sort of explain it later… maybe." Spoiler: they don’t.
Oh, and the swearing—so much swearing. I’m no prude, but there’s a limit. At some point, I started playing a drinking game for every unnecessary F-bomb, and I’m pretty sure my liver tapped out halfway through.
And don’t get me started on the music—oh wait, I already did, but I’m going to rant some more. The imitation James Bond theme was like that knockoff perfume you buy in a shady corner store. It kind of smells the same but gives you a headache that lasts for hours. It's one of those things where they’re trying so hard to make you feel like you’re in a high-stakes game of international intrigue, but all you feel is the urge to mute the damn TV.
As for the action scenes, they’re straight out of '80s TV shows. Think “The A-Team” meets “Knight Rider,” but without the budget for decent stunts. There's a car chase scene that’s so slow you could practically knit a sweater between the cuts. And every punch sounds like they borrowed the sound effects from a kid’s cartoon.
The Bottom Line:
Look, "Duchess" isn't going to win any awards, except maybe for Most Creative Use of a Tired Trope. But it has its moments—if you stick around long enough, you'll get some laughs, a bit of action, and maybe even a mild appreciation for the art of the “what the hell did I just watch?” genre.
If you’re looking for a movie that you can half-watch while scrolling on your phone, this one’s for you. And let's face it, we’re all going to need something to stare at blankly while we’re doing our weekly doom scroll through Twitter, right?
Final Rating: 6.5/10 (But only if you skip the first half and pretend the music was ironic.)
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