Based on the best-selling video game, this all-star action-adventure follows a ragtag team of misfits on a mission to save a missing girl who holds the key to unimaginable power.
Ah, "Borderlands." Where do I even begin with this cinematic fever dream? Based on the beloved (and often exasperating) video game series, this film brings together an A-list cast, a director known for his love of all things grotesque, and a plot so thin it makes your grandma's lace doilies look like Kevlar. If you're a fan of the games, you'll either be thrilled or violently ill after watching this. Spoiler: I’m leaning toward the latter.
The Star-Studded Line-Up
Let’s talk about the cast, because that’s where the money went, right? Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, and Edgar Ramírez lead this ragtag team of misfits on a quest to save a missing girl who just so happens to hold the key to unimaginable power. Because why not? In a world where video games are adapted into movies with the success rate of a blindfolded drunk person trying to hit a piñata, "Borderlands" really swings for the fences—only to end up cracking itself in the face.
Cate Blanchett as Lilith, the siren with the mystical powers, is basically Cate Blanchett in a Halloween costume she regrets halfway through the party. She's trying, bless her heart, but you can see the moment in her eyes when she realizes the paycheck wasn’t worth the dignity loss.
Kevin Hart plays Roland, who, in the games, is a gruff, tough-as-nails soldier. In the movie, he's... well, he's Kevin Hart. Look, I love Kevin Hart as much as the next guy, but Kevin Hart as an action hero? That’s like asking a chihuahua to guard Fort Knox. Stick to the stand-up, Kevin. Please.
Edgar Ramírez is Atlas, the villain of the story. Or at least, he’s supposed to be. But his villainy is about as intimidating as a lukewarm cup of tea. If you blink, you might miss his entire character arc—and honestly, that might be a blessing.
The Plot: A Thinner Thread Than a Fast Fashion T-Shirt
The plot, such as it is, follows our heroes as they attempt to rescue a girl who holds the key to something really important—don’t ask what, because the movie barely knows itself. Imagine if you will, a group of misfits who are as dysfunctional as a Walmart on Black Friday, all of them haphazardly thrown together in a universe that feels like Star Wars, Mad Max, and a Naked Gun movie had a three-way in a Hollywood backlot. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, right—everything.
What I Liked: The Silver Linings in a Cloud of CGI Mush
Okay, let’s sprinkle some sugar on this salt fest. Jack Black’s voice as Claptrap, the sarcastic robot that follows the team around, is a beacon of hope in this wasteland. Jack Black could read the phone book and I’d be entertained, but here, his quips and one-liners are the saving grace of an otherwise monotonous dialogue. Every time Claptrap spoke, I found myself almost forgetting how much I wanted to claw my eyes out during the rest of the movie.
The action sequences, while neutered by the PG rating, do occasionally deliver. There are flashes of what could have been a really cool adult action flick before the studio decided they wanted something family-friendly. The remnants of an edgier, more violent movie are there, peeking through like a toddler behind their mom's legs, just waiting for someone to give them permission to come out and play.
What I Disliked: Buckle Up, This Is Gonna Be a Bumpy Ride
But now we must dive into the festering pool of disappointment. First, the CGI. Dear God, the CGI. I’m talking special effects that look like they were borrowed from a 1990s made-for-TV movie. At times, I felt like I was watching Darkman, and not in a nostalgic "oh wow, remember when?" kind of way. More like a "holy crap, why does this look so bad?" kind of way.
And then there are the one-liners. Oh, the one-liners. Whoever wrote this script seems to have a vendetta against humor. Half the jokes land with the force of a feather in a hurricane—nowhere near where they were aiming. It’s almost as if they were written with a dartboard approach: aimlessly thrown and hoping something would stick. Spoiler: nothing sticks.
Kevin Hart, bless him, is just not an action hero. The more the movie tries to make me believe it, the more I start to question all my life choices leading up to watching this film. I get it, he’s supposed to be the "funny guy" who becomes a "badass," but every time he tries to act tough, I half expect him to bust out into a comedy bit about how short he is. You know what? That might have actually been better.
And Jamie Lee Curtis—what a waste of talent. She’s in this movie, for some reason, playing Dr. Tannis, and the whole time I’m just sitting there thinking, "Why, Jamie, why?" She’s criminally underused, and her character could have been played by a mannequin with a wig and I wouldn’t have noticed the difference.
Behind the Scenes: The Curse of Studio Interference
Now, here’s where things get spicy. The film was originally shot in the summer of 2021, with Eli Roth at the helm—so you know it was going to be wild. The first cut was reportedly finished in early 2022, but then... studio interference. The studio, apparently horrified by the extreme violence (did they not know who they hired?), decided that "Borderlands" needed to be a blockbuster, not a bloodbath. Enter Tim Miller, the director of "Deadpool," who was brought in to do reshoots. But we’re not talking minor tweaks; we’re talking about reshoots so extensive they might as well have filmed a whole new movie.
These reshoots resulted in the original musical score being scrapped and replaced with a new one by Steve Jablonsky. Because why not? At this point, the movie was already like a Frankenstein’s monster, so they might as well swap out the brain while they’re at it.
Easter Egg Alert: Lilith’s Infinite Ammo Gun
One small nugget of nerdy joy for the fans: Lilith’s main gun is called the "Vladof Infinity," a nod to the legendary pistol in the game that never runs out of ammo. It’s a cute little detail, but it also raises the question: if she never runs out of ammo, why the hell didn’t she just mow down every bad guy in the first five minutes and call it a day? Maybe because then the movie would be mercifully shorter.
The Verdict: A 0% on Rotten Tomatoes—For a Reason
"Borderlands" debuted at an almost impossible 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. That’s right, folks, it’s in that elite group of films that managed to piss off every single critic who saw it. And honestly, after watching it, I kind of get it. This movie is a mess, plain and simple. But—and here’s the kicker—I didn’t hate watching it. Maybe it’s the masochist in me, but there’s something fascinating about a movie that fails so spectacularly. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion—you know it’s awful, but you can’t look away.
Final Rating: 6.7/10
Yes, you read that right. I’m giving "Borderlands" a 6.7 out of 10. Is it a good movie? Absolutely not. But is it entertaining in a "what the hell am I watching?" kind of way? You bet your Vladof Infinity it is.
Until next time, my fellow cinematic masochists, keep watching the skies for falling stars—and keep wondering what the hell I’m going to subject myself to next.
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